Parenting And Flight Anxiety – Have you been wondering why fear of flying is a problem? It is a problem because there is insufficient built-in ability to regulate feelings. You can compensate when on the ground by being in control, or being able to get out of a situation if it goes wrong. But when on a plane and those compensatory strategies are not available, anxiety arises.

But why? We build in our emotional strength by way of internal replicas. Years ago, psychologist Carl Rogers told us that mental health depends upon “unconditional positive regard”. Whose? For most of us, it comes down to mom and dad. Think back. Do you have a mental picture of your mother looking at you? Do you have a mental picture of your father looking at you?

We build our emotional strength in connection with those faces. And, if Rogers was right, the greatest emotional strength comes when the face you see in your mind’s eye is unconditional positive regard.

Some of us have a single internal replica: a face looking at you but seeing, instead of you, something she imagined. I recall a client whose mother was like that. It isn’t so easy to describe, so he put it this way. “It was as if she said, ‘It is so wonderful when you play the violin; it thrills me to hear you play it.’ But I said to her, ‘Mom, you don’t understand; I play the trumpet’. To which she answers, ‘Yes, I know. You play the violin so well’.”

Our parents were like a mirror. When we looked at their faces, what was expressed there told us how they regarded us. And, because what they thought was so important, that became our identity.

Some of us have two internal replicas of mom: the angelic mom and the wicked witch of the west. There is the mom who praises us and the mom who withdraws affection or criticizes. The problem is, behavioral psychologists have been telling us for years that that is the right way to raise a child.

One of the biggest names in behavioral psychology, Albert Bandura, believed unconditional love “would make children directionless and quite unlovable”. According to this article in the New York Times, research at the University of Rochester shows the behaviorists were wrong. Researchers E.L. Deci and R. M. Ryan, who have developed Self-Determination Theory, say neither negative criticism nor conditional praise work. Deci and Ryan find people have “innate tendencies toward psychological growth” which can be either supported or thwarted by parents and by teachers.

According to their research, both negative criticism and conditional praise don’t work. Rather, far better results come when a child is supported in activating himself or herself. This means unconditional acceptance by parents and teachers associated with “autonomy support”. Parents should explain reasons for what they want a child to do, and maximize opportunities for the child to be part of decision-making.